how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
