is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
