those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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