just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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