I want to walk on stilts...naked
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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