mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
