i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize