apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
