I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
