Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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