i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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