I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
