I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How's work?
Spinning.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
