Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
