dude i'm inner monologue high
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
