I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
