im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
