Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize