I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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