I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
