Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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