I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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