Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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