I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
