I can feel you judging me through the phone.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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