Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize