True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize