Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
