We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
this hospital has no fireball
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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