where am i from again
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
