You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
