dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
