I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
