You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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