Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
