Im at strip club and am horny
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
