i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize