Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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