pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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