mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
