I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
