I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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