You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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