I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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