Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
why do cheetos always look like penises
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
