Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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