'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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