matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Be still, my beating vagina.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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