I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
