i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
