Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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