Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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