If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
