Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
