After last night, I could never be a politician.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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