i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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