Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
