I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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